Ask Max… Let me tell ya, being pregnant sucks!

Well sitting on the toilet today I received this e-mail:

Dear Max,

I am almost nine months pregnant and my coworkers constantly say things like “You’re still pretty even though you’ve gained a lot of weight”.  Is that a compliment?  And how exactly does one respond to that?  Also, I don’t think I can take those last few weeks of work wherein every day I show up at least three people are guaranteed to say “Haven’t you had that baby yet?”

Thanks in advance,
Name Withheld…

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First let me start out by saying this question and answer period may not be what you want to hear.  I am hear to tell you the truth not what anyone wants to hear.  With that in mind remember that the truth is a very relative concept.  so fuck off all y’all.

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Dear Name withheld,

I would first like to apologize your bad luck… Let me guess condom broke?  oh oh or… could it have been a scene strait out of the hit Showtime episodic weeds? You know the one where Cylas poked a whole in the condom so the deaf girl would never leave him? Didn’t exactly work out that way…now did it Cylas?  hmmm.   Either way sorry about your luck! Remember god loves everyone on the earth..except for the Jews and Queers! Some have called me an accident.. I call myself the greatest form of birth control.  

Now a reality check.  Your coworkers are correct in mocking you.   No one wants to see a fat women waddling around complaining she has to pee all the time! If we, as Americans, did want to view this heinous sight, we would go stake out our local mall or airport Cinnabon… mmmm Cinnabon…. Honey, in the words of the hit 1993 Haddaway single, “what is love? lady don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me no more. “   That’s right I said it… Your coworkers don’t care they just want a way to politely say “what the fuck do you think you are proving by being here? you tryin’ to show me a birth in progress?” Girl no one needs to see that shit.. Are you trying to gross me out? I’ve seen two girls one cup. Nothing is gonna shock this homo after watching that one!

With that in mind I must say, I too have run into this very same line of questioning many many times.  People just don’t understand that 1.) I am a man and 2.) men can’t get pregnant … what, you haven’t popped yet? wtf?   You get use to it after a while.  This is how I respond.  I’m fat not pregnant, you mother fucker! who da fuck do you think you is..  In other words, just go postal on their asses.  They may take a step back, give you a face, like they just ate some rank baby elephant shit, and even take offense to the comment.  However you’ll laugh and isn’t that what being pregnant is all about, self gratification? I mean when else can you eat pickles and ice cream and have everything be a-o-k?  and if they don’t get it just blame the hormones… YA THE HORMONES… he he he… (evil laugh)

I hope I shed some light on the evils of getting knocked up and why the best birth control is being gay. 

Till next time,

MAX!