Ask max now has a couple of new features. The biggest one is the new way to submit questions! http://askmax.tumblr.com/ask will get messages to me! So feel free to send your questions there as well!!!!
Howdy kids,
Today’s question comes from a conversation I over heard this week. Two men were sitting around discussing what they were doing over the weekend. The shorter one says “I have a week of vacation coming up.” “Oh really what r you going to be doing?” says the taller one. “I’m going on a cruise.” well.. I’m not going to bore you with the details but, it turns out the shorter gentlemen was being treated to this cruise! All drinks, meals, airfare, hotel everything. AS A PAID WHORE… Which sounds “awesome” as a male. He gets a vacation he probably couldn’t afford and she gets sex.. LOTS OF SEX. LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS OF SEX.
Which brings me to the question. If I were single could or would I do this? Is this guy a whore or a pimp ass rocker? … I would have to take a couple of things into consideration. Is the person who is paying a hefer? hmmm… in this man’s case she isn’t… I’m so confused. how do you get into a situation like this.. I mean you have to admit sounds pretty fucking awesome! Do you run into someone at the checking out the melons at whole foods? How does that conversation start? “so pretty firm melons ha?” “ya I hear they are grown locally. Hey I’m heading on a cruise.. I need a whore you up for that?” I mean wtf??? The second consideration I would have to have answered is how often does this person do this? Am I the first, or does she do this every week? In reality does that really make a difference if you know your going to be a whore for the week? It’s totally mind blowing.. lol sometimes literally!
I think that, 1.) if I were single.. I would have to seriously consider doing it.. who knows… Anyway.. as you can probably tell I’m running out of questions so feel free to e-mail me questions. maxcalise@yahoo.com
Ben writes:
Why did it take so long to bring back Ask Max? And, what is the deal with Sarah Palin?
Wow, what a great question Ben! NOT… Ask Max went away because Myspace became a place only child molesters and musicians go to! Rupert Murdoch purchased it and no one wanted it anymore. People were logging off faster then the kids were running away from Michaels Neverland ranch! Facebook made an enormous comeback, with no blog space. so Ask Max went away. Sad I know. But the good news is that it’s back and better then ever!
Sarah Palin? Who’s she? Kidding. I’m not going to touch that one. She’s like a tranny without a penis. It looks wrong, it feels wrong, it’s crying in a rain storm with mascara dripping down the side of her face. Sad to look at even worse to listen to. Complain, bitch and moan. She’s out! No one cares yet she still talks. SHUT UP ALREADY. We get it! you can see Russia from your house. Your still an idiot. Please stop talking. Your accent makes me wish I could send myself into a seizure. You can’t read, so you make up books that you have read. Just tell us the truth the last book you read was one from those damn religious vegetables. YOUR NEVER GOING TO WIN and yes your website totally played a role in that congress women getting shot. Take responsibility for your actions.
Hope that answered your question Ben,
Max
So the other day, while I was playing with a strangers dog i received this e-mail:
ASK MAX: WHY DOES MY EMPLOYER SUCK?
well, um.. you didn’t leave you name so ah…. lets call you someone who loves to complain….(max thinks really hard) Jesus lets call you Jesus.
So Jesus, you say your job sucks? well that very well may be. Or maybe its YOU. maybe you suck. Have you ever thought that? hmm… I think you need to suck it up. Here is a hint EVERYONES JOB SUCKS! In the real world no one will look out for you. If you don’t like your job go back to college, (or as I call it drunk time) get a new degree and start working for penny’s on the dollar. At least this way you would have the opportunity to start your own company doing what you love… until the bills start pouring in when you realize that yes ,you are doing what you love! your just not very good at it. And quite possibly not making any money. or maybe your rich… anyway, the point being, if you don’t like what your doing it’s time to change. JACKASS.
We no longer live in a time where huge coorporations care about their employees. We are all just a number to them. EVERY PERSON IS EXPENDABLE. Chances are you will not stay with one company for you life like your parents or grand parents did. You no longer see job growth opportunities, or training, paid time off for volunteer work, 401k contributions, or even people who care about you working above you. You see a hardened work force that doesn’t put pride into their jobs. sad but true.
Sorry for such a downtrodden, sad and depressing post. Thanks JESUS.
MAX
So today, while I was in the steam room, I received this e-mail:
Dear Max,
Since you’re the favorite brand of Buttars jam, I figured you’d have an amazing fashion sense. Tell me, is it rude to mock someone behind their back for wearing a sweater stolen right off an extra in 16 Candles? I mean, the bitch has either had to be in cryo for the last 25 years or reek of mothballs. But I digress. Is taking pleasure from someone else’s misery wrong, or just good old American fun?
Thanks!
Featured Backstreet Fan
Well featured Backstreet fan,
NO. Mocking people for their poor fashion sense is how America functions. It’s the right, no, no the duty of everyperson to mock a sweater that may have been made in Cambodia in the 80’s. It would be un american. UN AMERICAN if you didn’t. DO YOU Understand? I say don’t waste your insults for behind his or her back. Do it straight to their face. They need to hear it! If they hate you afterwards… Its probably for the better. I mean who wants to be friends with anyone without an orgasmic fashion sense? Lets be realistic. NO ONE LIKES UGLY PEOPLE!!!! i mean ugly sweaters… ugly people are hard to like as well.. conditioner people use it.
Which may be why I have no friends.. hmmmm Hope that answers your question and if it doesn’t pour yourself another martini and just look the other way.
Max
Well sitting on the toilet today I received this e-mail:
Dear Max,
I am almost nine months pregnant and my coworkers constantly say things like “You’re still pretty even though you’ve gained a lot of weight”. Is that a compliment? And how exactly does one respond to that? Also, I don’t think I can take those last few weeks of work wherein every day I show up at least three people are guaranteed to say “Haven’t you had that baby yet?”
Thanks in advance,
Name Withheld…
——
First let me start out by saying this question and answer period may not be what you want to hear. I am hear to tell you the truth not what anyone wants to hear. With that in mind remember that the truth is a very relative concept. so fuck off all y’all.
——
Dear Name withheld,
I would first like to apologize your bad luck… Let me guess condom broke? oh oh or… could it have been a scene strait out of the hit Showtime episodic weeds? You know the one where Cylas poked a whole in the condom so the deaf girl would never leave him? Didn’t exactly work out that way…now did it Cylas? hmmm. Either way sorry about your luck! Remember god loves everyone on the earth..except for the Jews and Queers! Some have called me an accident.. I call myself the greatest form of birth control.
Now a reality check. Your coworkers are correct in mocking you. No one wants to see a fat women waddling around complaining she has to pee all the time! If we, as Americans, did want to view this heinous sight, we would go stake out our local mall or airport Cinnabon… mmmm Cinnabon…. Honey, in the words of the hit 1993 Haddaway single, “what is love? lady don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me no more. “ That’s right I said it… Your coworkers don’t care they just want a way to politely say “what the fuck do you think you are proving by being here? you tryin’ to show me a birth in progress?” Girl no one needs to see that shit.. Are you trying to gross me out? I’ve seen two girls one cup. Nothing is gonna shock this homo after watching that one!
With that in mind I must say, I too have run into this very same line of questioning many many times. People just don’t understand that 1.) I am a man and 2.) men can’t get pregnant … what, you haven’t popped yet? wtf? You get use to it after a while. This is how I respond. I’m fat not pregnant, you mother fucker! who da fuck do you think you is.. In other words, just go postal on their asses. They may take a step back, give you a face, like they just ate some rank baby elephant shit, and even take offense to the comment. However you’ll laugh and isn’t that what being pregnant is all about, self gratification? I mean when else can you eat pickles and ice cream and have everything be a-o-k? and if they don’t get it just blame the hormones… YA THE HORMONES… he he he… (evil laugh)
I hope I shed some light on the evils of getting knocked up and why the best birth control is being gay.
Till next time,
MAX!
Hello all,
For those of you following me since the days of Myspace (you know the site all the child molestors and bands are still on) you may remember a question and answer column I use to write. I called it ask max. Well it’s back and better then ever. feel free to e-mail me with your questions, maxcalise@yahoo.com, and check back at the new site askmax.tumblr.com for your answer. It’s that easy!